When Dave was in his late 30’s, he and his dad had a major blow up. Whatever it was about, it shook both men to their core and resulted in a break in communication that lasted for over a year. The silence was deafening. Dave mentioned this rift to an older gentleman friend who wisely said, “You’re the only one who can mend it. And you should.” That was it. He said no more. That little nudge was all he offered, but it was enough. Dave thought through the scenario. So finally, Dave reached out and talked to his dad…about football. The Broncos were playing the Rams, and it provided a neutral topic to exchange on. It wasn’t a long conversation, but it was a start. And it continued. Football, grandkids, a couple of other easy topics where it was implied there would be no conflict. Did he ever bring up the conflict to reach a consensus on what happened?
No. They just moved on.
You may have conflict with a parent, either directly or with in-laws. They may be on the wrong side of all kinds of topics – vaccinations, immigration, DOGE, football loyalty, or any number of thermonuclear issues. You may think they judge you or still think of you as a child. Regardless, you’re the only one who can mend it. And you should.
Why would that be? Aren’t some hills worth dying on?
The number of hills that require defending to the last when it comes to your parents (-in-law) are incredibly few. Active abuse, psychological and emotional safety certainly stand out. And I’m sure there are a few that require a time out and reconsideration of how to handle a situation. But a permanent break is unwise. Life is very long. If nothing else, your children will want grandparents, even imperfect ones.
It’s probably a certainty that your parents have said and done things they’d want to take back in a do-over. Might that be the case for you too? It’s also a certainty that in the complexity of raising children, your essential beings just won’t be in sync. One side might be conservative, the other liberal. One side might be melancholy, the other phlegmatic. One side might be male, the other female. Some personalities are black and white while others live in the gray. Some are good at words, some better at emotions. In other words, parent child relationships can be fraught with tenuous traits.
But only you can mend it. And you should.
Down the road, you’ll feel differently. Another certainty. You are ships that have such a short window to engage before you pass. Saying things, breaking things, pushing buttons, or disengaging and saying nothing where you feel justified could very well lay the foundation of regret. Providing forgiveness sometimes is a process that has to start somewhere. Ultimately you are the beneficiary of forgiveness you offer someone else. A hardened heart closes out more than the intended recipient of wrath.
Do you have to get your laws or in-laws to revisit the issue? No. Just forgive (in time) and move on.
Your kids are watching.
Blessings,
Lis and Dave