What is a daily occurrence that happens between us as parents and our children that plays a significant role in their development and maturity that, if we knew we were underperforming, we’d change immediately?
At or With?
There is an immense difference in effective communication when mom or dad attempts to connect with a child with something of value – instruction, love, corrective discipline, or just conversation; versus when they read from whatever script exists in their head regardless of whether the point scores as intended. Think of when a parent is frustrated or angry and the words just come out. Or consider the “constant-talker” whose insatiable flow of words eventually must be ignored for sanity’s sake. In other words, is the speaker talking “At” someone or talking “With” them. It’s not too difficult to observe parents speaking at children, at least in public. But over time, you can see the relationship between an “At-talker” and that child’s behavior. “With” is a skill in speaking and listening. Further, “Talking With” fosters a relationship of intimacy and respect. It is the caring portal by which all your instructions find a home because you’ve taken the time and love to develop the proper receiving mechanism. Talking with someone requires a bit of self-discipline to be “present”, as well as observant, that the conversation is being captured by the child.
And how do you do that? How do you develop the skill of listening with engagement that has as it’s bi-product intimacy and respect?
You ask questions. By continuously asking your child to repeat back to you what they heard teaches them to listen for content. It’s not demeaning to young children, but your technique does matter by age. Kevin, our youngest, when he was 3 knew he was supposed to repeat back to us what we just said. The furrow on his brow was hilarious and became a family saying when he said “Wha my ‘posed to say?” Ultimately our kids decided they didn’t want to just parrot our comments or instructions back but instead re-told what they heard in their own words. Over time, this style of communication evolved into a fairly efficient form of back and forth with our kids’ ability to hear, understand, and articulate what they received. That helped us fine-tune any misunderstandings as well as convey respect to our kids. We believed they were capable of adult engagement with us even if we used simpler words. We always treated our children as “adults in training”. That conveys respect. It also develops intimacy when two people are connecting daily on all matters large and small. Compare that to the idea of NOT verifying whether your child understood. Not verifying also doesn’t fine-tune understanding which can lead to misunderstandings. As you know, ambiguity is always present and takes a back and forth to ensure communication has occurred. The ‘With-Talker’ in fine-tuning develops keen distinctions in the child’s mind that the ‘At-Talker’ does not.
And importantly, after a long history of engagement that continuously conveys intimacy and respect, when conflict comes, as it certainly will, you’ll already have a well-established mode of communication and connection. You’ll be able to explain the whys and wherefores of your parental decisions which will be received with the well-honed practice of respectful give and take. The listening mechanism you’ve been working on for such a long time will truly pay off then!
Every parenting tip ultimately has to be “received” by the child. By establishing a relationship of respect and intimacy, and through self-control, you engage your child into incremental understanding and development, thus opening the door to all other attempts to parent. Your child will always love you, but will they listen to you?
“With” love from,
Lis and Dave Marr