These Letters are intended to provide you with whatever insights we have gained over the last 30 years of parenting and marriage. Our perspectives are not comprehensive, just intending to spark thought on how to take your parenting and marriage to the next level of effectiveness. There is so much to say to you which we hope is instructive and encouraging, perspectives we wish we had ‘back in the day’. We had to figure it out mostly on our own – like how to encourage the family trait of courage – i.e. facing difficult issues with strength of heart. This week’s Letter examines situations regarding the Marr girls that ended up working out well.
Lis and a friend were in a group that discussed something of a private nature to be held in confidence. Her friend told her husband. Lis found out about it and felt betrayed. This little bit of drama is commonplace even in adults. No doubt your family has felt this all-too-common bit of humanity. But regardless, feeling betrayed and isolated hurts. The question is what to do about it. Lis’ natural reaction was to harbor the hurt and bury it. But to Dave, that made no sense. That meant we’d be hypocrites, pretending to be friends when our definition of friendship had been violated. Dave encouraged Lis to confront her friend and at least give her the opportunity to defend herself. Lis’ female sensitivities did not want to do this. She essentially was afraid of confrontation. Dave encouraged her to face her fears and invest in the relationship.
The ensuing engagement with her friend was one of the best things that ever happened to Lis and her friendship as well as Lis’ personal understanding of defending one’s own values. The encounter offered each the opportunity to express their emotions and bond in a way that wouldn’t have happened without the conflict. It also positively demonstrated how Dave’s engagement in Lis’ affairs could be conducted without a flippant arrogance as “women’s stuff”.
Our daughter Shelli had her own situation with tension in relationships. The drama among girls is the stuff made into movies. The subtle hurts and manipulations are too ubiquitous to articulate here, but suffice it to say that no girl escapes youth without giving and getting a bruise or two. Our Shelli was no different. In the continuous jockeying for favor that little school girls’ conduct, Shelli’s friend had begun lining up with another clique. And in doing so, Shelli felt betrayed. Sound familiar?
Often with tears, Shelli and Lis talked about social pressures. Lis validated Shelli’s emotions yet was wary of rescuing her and robbing her of this opportunity for growth. Lis encouraged Shelli toward ownership of her own behavior and encouraged reflection as to how she contributed to the situation. They explored the good/better/best possible paths to what resolution to take. Of course, just like Lis’ own example, the natural reaction is to harbor the hurt and bury it, potentially turning a great friend into a bitter enemy. “But we’re the Marrs”, Lis would remind Shelli, “and that’s not what we do”. Instead, she encouraged courage. She fortified Shelli by painting a scene whereby Shelli faced her own fears and invested in the lifelong relationship. Only by confronting her friend could she clear up any misunderstandings and hurts. Of course that happened. Shelli and her friend cleared it up and Shelli came away with a life lesson that continues to strengthen her character to this day.
Lis’ experience prepared her to provide loving guidance to Shelli. The takeaways that we can discern from a couple of decades perspective are significant:
- We all need encouragement to face situations that are uncomfortable.
- Family Identity plays a big role in how your children display personal character.
- Character built in youth persists in life.
- Parents must demonstrate that they are not exempt from family lessons. Sharing personal stories as the kids move into their teen years helps children gain understanding that everyone faces tough times.
- God provides these situations as loving gifts for our betterment.
Please let us hear from you if this Letter was encouraging to you and your family.
Blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr