At a time when our marriage was at a fork in the road, we discovered 2 important things that helped our relationship immensely. The first thing was Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages (here’s a link to take the Love Languages Test). This well-known concept that people grow up giving and receiving love through these 5 modes of love was absolutely revolutionary for our marriage taking it from a 6-7 rating on the happiness scale to a 9-10. If you haven’t heard of love languages, they are:

  • Physical Touch and Closeness
  • Quality Time
  • Acts of Service
  • Words of Encouragement
  • Gift Giving.

Once we learned what our love languages were, and how we individually related to love through these languages, our marriage soared and, in the 17+ years since, the concept continues to fill our cups to overflowing.

But that story is incomplete. How to communicate love more effectively took time to figure out. We needed practical applications to go with the Love Language theory. So the second thing we came upon was the idea of Rewinding the Tape.

One day Lis was about to start a busy day. Given what her life was, as a busy mom of 3 young children and running her graphic design business, she didn’t have time to dawdle. We had had the Love Language concept in our home for several months, but it wasn’t magical just knowing about it. We had to apply it. So that day Lis walked by Dave and Dave said (in his love language – words of encouragement) “I love you”. Lis’ mind was occupied and she didn’t hear him. She was busy in her love language of making the house run – acts of service. She passed by without a reply.

Historically, this would have irked Dave into providing the usual punishment script of silence, a kind of ostracism of relationship. But this time, in the spirit of finding ways to apply the new knowledge, Dave asked Lis to come back into the room. She did. He explained what had just happened to which she began to play the old scripts. Dave cut in. “No, what I’d like to do is just replay the moment and move on. Back up over there and walk by me and I’ll just say it again. Ok?” And so we did. Lis walked by. Dave expressed his love. Lis responded with genuine emphasis “I love you too.” And Dave was satisfied. Sure it would have been better the first time, but it was a whole lot better than the trajectory we had long been on.

And so we came upon occasion after occasion that required that we Rewind the Tape which  allowed us to re-record the old scripts of our lives. This actually helped us reprogram the way we acted and reacted. Instead of allowing our buttons to be pushed, we called for a Rewind, discussed the situation we were in, and had the offended party design the preferred outcome. That time Dave requested “Say this”. Other times Lis would direct specific behaviors. In no time unintended offenses vanished from our lives. Eventually, each cup filled up further making pouring into the other’s cup an investment that satisfied.

Rewinding the Tape took a powerful concept, Languages of Love, and made it fit smoothly into our maturing lives. We became more communicative and gracious, continuously filling each other’s cup to today’s overflowing.

To your family’s well-being.

Dave and Lis