Small Reset – Big Results

Often, it’s not the big issues that determine direction, but the small ideas we choose to adopt along the way. And occasionally, one small idea can compound into something transformational.

That was our story.

Our kids were very young, and our marriage had barely begun by our 10-year anniversary. We were “happy”, but in our mid-30s, we were just figuring things out. The arguments, the snipping, and the frustrating power struggles were a function of our inability to communicate well. In retrospect, it seemed we were at a fork in the road in our marriage. And then, (we truly believe) God introduced two concepts that changed everything.

The first was Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. Many are familiar with it, but for us, it was revolutionary. The idea is simple: each of us gives and receives love differently—through physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of encouragement, and gift giving.

Once we understood how each of us was wired, things began to shift. What had been a 6–7/10 marriage had the potential to be a 9-10/10. But knowing how love is received wasn’t enough. We needed a way to apply it in real time—especially when our love efforts zinged past one another. That’s where the second idea came in.

In the pre-digital age, we called it “Rewinding the Tape.”

One morning, Lis was heading into a full day—three young kids, a home to manage, a business to run. Her mind was already moving ahead. As she passed by, Dave said, “I love you”—his natural expression through words of encouragement.

She didn’t hear him. She was already operating in her own love language—acts of service—keeping everything moving.

She walked right past.

In the past, that moment would have triggered Dave’s old script—withdrawal, silence, a subtle punishment that prolonged separation. He decided a new communication technique was needed.

Dave asked her to come back. He didn’t accuse. He simply said, “Let’s rewind that.”

He asked her to walk back out and come through again.

She did.

He said, “I love you.”

This time, she stopped, looked at him, and responded with intention: “I love you too.”

And just like that… the moment was restored. This rehearsed line, said with intention, actually resolved the moment. Not perfectly, but it was a meaningful step forward. It activated the potential within Love Languages. Love Languages says we speak different languages, whereas Rewind the Tape asks, “Please speak my language now.”

And these two concepts put us on a far better path than we had been on before.

From this simple experience, we eventually came to realize that it’s normal when 2 people grow up in different families, are opposite sexes, are formed with significantly different experiences, temperaments, and love languages – IT TAKES TIME to get communication working, roles established, habits formed, and attitudes attuned to the relationship. That’s why Love Languages and Rewinding the Tape work so well. We don’t have to get it perfectly the first time. We can work together to get it right without the conflict.

From this Rewind the Tape moment, the trajectory of our marriage went from good to great.

How would this work if you taught this to your kids on how to interact with their siblings?!!

Blessings,

Lis and Dave

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