Teaching children self-control is one of those dilemmas that really challenges parents’ abilities, intellect, and emotions. Because teaching self-control doesn’t come all wrapped up with a pretty bow, it usually arrives with a temper tantrum, a fight with a sibling, a punched wall, or a slammed and broken drawer. When the opportunity arrives to teach self-control, it’s not clear as to what it is and what to do. As young parents at the Marr house we didn’t handle this very well because we didn’t have any guidance to help us figure it out.

For the most part, a child is brought into the world with an independent nature. And parents, layer by layer, are to teach the ways of the world – how to eat at the table, how to dress for the day, how to care for the body, how to get along with others, and all the multitude of family culturalizations. All goes well until the child pushes back on circumstances. And that push back, often in the form of frustration leading to anger, is a challenge for parents to understand and modify. But catching the issue early and staying the course for the development of SELF-control is critically important for later issues in life.

Of course we’re discussing that internal mechanism that we need to have in order to stay within the bounds of social acceptance. But it also includes self management – to be able to sit still, concentrate, resist urges to lash out, or other self management behaviors. Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo in Toddlerhood Transitions and Parenting from the Tree of Life have done a terrific job in offering guidance in this area (which we won’t do justice to here). Self-control is a foundational issue that you build on over time as your child moves through school and increasing levels of responsibility and freedom. The earlier you teach internal management to deal with that extra energy, bit of frustration, or other human urges, the less draining future episodes will be on you and your child.

In Toddlerhood Transitions and Parenting from the Tree of Life, the Ezzos suggest teaching your children to clasp their hands in front of them for 30-90 seconds to “gain self-control” prior to tipping over into a meltdown or losing control. This little technique offers the child a focal point to practice on while their internal energy and emotional state settle down. The words “gain self-control” are important additions to the technique. The child slowly learns to relate his/her internal situation to Mommy and Daddy’s request to “gain self-control”.

The hand clasping technique can be used in many situations. But there are other guides that will help in this journey:

  1. Parents should brainstorm with one another during Couch Time to come up with ways to encourage self-control. The key is that Mom and Dad are a team that models acceptable family behavior.
  2. Remember that you are the parent. The child will follow your example if you are resolved to parent. You are helping them form an understanding of what is acceptable, so you must model correct behavior. Long before they understand your words, they’ll follow your example. Make sure Mommy and Daddy are on the same page and parent to the same standard of behavior. No crack in the wall. Mom’s rules always have to be the same as Dad’s rules so as to not confuse the child.
  3. Be a student of your child. Are they hungry? Sleepy? Over tired? Have you been running around all day? Is there something new in your family routine? Is the child unable to verbalize their situation? Does your marriage need Couch Time?
  4. Teach self-control in times of non-conflict. Practice the words and actions in advance of needing it. Praise your child when they clasp their hands and attempt to calm down. Then move them on to another activity if possible.
  5. Tantrums of frustration are different than temper tantrums. It’s ok to offer help to relieve frustration (don’t provide help or rescue too quickly though). Temper tantrums should not be rewarded with any kind of attention. Calmly walk away and give it no attention at all (after you ensure they are safe and won’t harm themselves). If Mom and Dad don’t react to the tantrum, the child will eventually realize it was not an effective way to ”get their way”.

Self control is the requirement that all people need in order to tap into the abundance of God given potential. Without self management at a foundational level, your child will be frustrated in most endeavors in their life. This important skill is the key to unlock that potential.

To your family’s well-being,

Lis and Dave Marr