In last week’s letter, Rich and Shelly wrote about the marital mindset of continuous effort in The One Thing. This simple idea is a gem hidden in plain sight. In this week’s letter, we’d like to expand on that theme from our perspective that might provide you some encouragement in your marriage, particularly if you’re having difficulties.
It’s an unfortunate fact that roughly 5 out of 10 marriages are so challenged that they call it quits and get divorced. Let’s say that they’d rate their marriage a 5 or less on a scale of 1-10. Of the splitting couples that we have known well enough to discuss their situation, they would say that their marriage was that low, but hadn’t always been. There was a period of time when their relationship came upon a fork in the road and they somehow found themselves on the divorce path.
If marriages that get divorced are 5’s and below, how about the remaining marriages, how are they doing? How many are 6’s, 7’s, or 8’s? Are 10’s like unicorns, mythical creatures that only exist in fantasyland? If those marriages that ended up splitting came upon a relational fork in the road, wouldn’t all the remaining marriages have the same experience but just a different outcome?
Our marriage had such a fork in our mid 30’s. It was at a time when the kids were young and we hadn’t worked out our roles, our communication patterns, our family identity and philosophy, nor developed adult skills in communication. We hadn’t figured out our own individual needs and how to express them much less get out of our own selfish perspectives and see from the other side. In other words, we were young. At one point, after yet again arguing in bed for the umteenth time about kids, money, or sex, our relationship seemed to be at a fork.
But One Thing we did that kept us going (and Lis was the primary instigator of this), we never let the sun set on our anger. We’d stay awake until we emotionally reunited. That sometimes took us late into the night, but eventually we’d cool off and talk things out. The pattern always seemed to be the same – “Why didn’t you value me in some specific way?” “Huh, it’s your turn to value ME! in my specific way. I valued you yesterday!” Then the aggrieved one would lie in silence, some sort of emotional freeze-out designed to punish the offender and convey a righteous indignation, until the other person buckled and broke the ice.
Lying in silence basking in hurt, feeling unvalued and angry, self righteous, and generally negative, it’s easy to see how you can commit to the rocky road. When your cup doesn’t get filled by the person you’ve committed your life to “love, honor, and cherish”, it’s discouraging. But The One Thing can keep you on track. If you agree to resolve your argument before sleep, then at least you can start the next day as a team. To do that, each person has to agree on a simple value statement – the relationship is more important than ego. The marriage is more important than being right.
Again, lying in bed alone in your mind dealing with the certainty that you are right and s/he is in the wrong you are confronted with the fork – Do I hang on to my righteous pain and hold him/her at a distance or do I value the relationship higher than that and break the silence? This takes strength and, as Rich and Shelly said, True Effort. What takes even more strength is to apologize even when you know in your heart that you are right. The apology has to be as close to genuine as you can muster at the start. You’ll get a chance to fully apologize later anyway. And the apology has to be for something real and not made up. But allows you to practice your conflict resolving language – “I am sorry for my part in this argument. I want to understand why you are mad so we can resolve this.” That kind of leadership moves your marriage toward a 10.
Now this little technique isn’t everything, but it has been a key thing for us. Both parties do have to grow and mature and get better at satisfying each person’s needs. Languages of Love concepts were huge in helping us avoid conflicts in the first place. But The One Thing for us was a commitment to hold the marriage higher in priority than our individual egos. It just so happened that there seemed to be a balance of opportunities being the one to break the silence or start the reconciliation. It wasn’t always just Lis or just Dave. That way each person was able to demonstrate with action the importance of the relationship. Because it’s a big deal to be first to apologize when you know you’re not wrong.
And that’s just it, neither party is “wrong”; you’re just young. You’re just working out the things that distinguish a 6 marriage from a 5, an 8 marriage from a 7. In time, with dedication to The One Thing you’ll find yourself in fantasyland just like we did.
To your family’s well-being.
Lis and Dave Marr