Society’s push to rightfully empower women towards accomplishment and esteem has a seemingly negative underside whereby men are viewed as mere accessories, bumbling unshaven incompetents whose biological urges and egoistic preening is a distraction to the main event. However, men, as all but the most extreme would admit, are essential to the well-being of a family and to each member’s development and fulfillment of their individual potential.
Of course this Letter to you in OneFamily can only speak in generalities, highlighted by our personal experiences. Our attempt to extract insights from our lives so that you might apply them into your discussions can be objectionable as the opening line would indicate. The man/woman, or woman/man if you prefer, discussion is obviously a complex, highly charged topic that is dependent on many factors that can’t be discussed here. Our offer to you is only intended for your betterment. This is what we experienced and the conclusions we have drawn. We hope they add to your family.
The success of our family has largely come from the ideas we have gathered and implemented into our family culture. Many of these ideas came from the parenting course “Parenting from the Tree of Life” by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. Primary among these ideas is Family Identity. Dave became the cheerleader, encourager, standard bearer, and model for what it was to be a Marr. “We are Marrs. We do our best. We try to the end. When we fall, we get up. We are courteous and respectful of others. We love one another through action.” For example, Dave demonstrated family principles when it came time to helping with homework, offering limited suggestions thereby keeping ownership with the kids, and providing needed encouragement to “press on” which molded family culture. “This is a very good first effort. Let’s read together what you’ve written and talk how it could be better” was a regular Dad comment.
Family traits were instilled through discussion at the dinner table instigated by Dave. Continuously asking the kids to practice the mental skill of identifying thoughts and bringing them forth is a long term project. Dave would treat them as “adults in training” and talk to them as adults, using words and concepts that the kids would have to stretch for. The long range vision was that the Marr’s would be characterized as articulate and mature.
Dad the encourager was a major “Tree of Life” concept where Dave occasionally wrote little sticky notes of love and hid them in the kids lunch sack to discover later in the day. When the kids were too young to read, the teacher had to step in to help. “Dano, Kevin, Shelli…I am so proud of how you have been doing in school lately. Keep up the good work. See you at home tonight. I love you soooo much! Dad”.
Freedom to fail is a necessary stepping stone to success. Failure can be deflating to both child and parents in things small and large. But that’s life and great harm is being done to children who are not allowed to fail, robbing them of the critical skill of learning to recover and persevere. A dad must provide the strength of character to manage both parents’ desire to see their child stand on the podium of glory and instead focus on what’s best for the child. From learning to tie shoes and complete simple household chores to playing sports in high school, Dad’s tone and message plays an important role in the long term digestion of failure or success. The goal is to balance the enjoyment of the activity and development of skills with the self esteem issues it presents. Dad provides loving perspective. A child’s motivation is a delicate thing that is greatly influenced by Dad’s words and tone.
Dad must model “how it’s supposed to be”. Long before kids have the mental development to put thought to reality, they have developed an understanding of what love looks like. Dad’s touch will greatly influence what little girls will look for in a man, what little boys will view as their style of manliness. Dad’s physicality says a great deal. From play, to discipline, to demonstrations of health, to loving mom, Dad must be clear that controlled strength when brought to loving guidance is a powerful trait. When it came time to discipline, Dave never spanked when angry. Spanking is not intended to be punitive where a child is being ‘punished’ with pain. Spanking is designed to be a sharp reminder to stay in control, not lie, not hurt someone, not be disrespectful, and to run certain behaviors through their heads before acting. Dad’s firm hand (only) is quickly replaced by Dad’s warm embrace so as to not break the child’s will, but disciple them to right behavior. Discipline is not punishment.
A child’s small, internal, private world is owned by them. Dad should be careful to encourage that ownership — “I bet that felt good to do such a good job on your paper (game, doing your chores, etc.)” — while being careful not to diminish how they feel — “ “I bet that really hurt when your friends didn’t include you”, “how did that make you feel when you found out your friend snuck out of his house to party? or lied to the teacher?”.
Dave often spent time tucking each child into bed where they would talk about the day, issues that were important, encouragements that were needed, exploring fantasies, praying, laughing, comforting and just bonding. Dave continued this till around 11 years of age. It became invaluable relational time leading up to the teen years when you definitely want to have an established relationship built on trust and honesty as their private world starts to include much more complex issues.
Finally, and clearly the most important aspect of being a Dad, Dave demonstrated unambiguous love for Lis in act, word, and tone. Physical love in all it’s non-sexual forms must be on daily display between mom and dad, like holding hands, hugs, dancing, kissing, and being in close proximity as the preferred mode. Setting the example by using words of love that are affirming, uplifting, encouraging, respectful, and growth oriented shows the intricate nuances of building a relationship that kids will take into their future. This will be the family’s true legacy. Disagreements during the early years were held until they could be resolved in private so as to show a united front. During the teen years, disagreements were resolved in front of the kids to show them how to reconcile different perspectives and effectively handle conflict resolution.
In all the above, we’ve just glanced off these important concepts to keep this short. But a family culture and operation is fueled when the Husband/Father is fully engaged. The entertainment industry has found humor in dads’ shortcomings in sitcoms and commercials. Politics has found reason to often demean men in its effort to reach women. Regardless, men have the power (and responsibility) to co-develop each person’s potential and co-model how to fulfill that potential. We encourage all of you fathers to hold yourselves to these standards. Put in the hard work now and you and your family will be richly rewarded.
To your family’s well-being,
Lis and Dave Marr