It was when our relationship was at a fork in the road – stay together and do what was necessary to be happy together; or go our separate ways and figure out life down a new path. But before we decided what to do, we had the mirror talk.
It was a long walk where we shared in vulnerability how we saw one another. We weren’t married; young, not only in age but in relational experience; young in the ways of self-perception; and young in navigating our defensive shields. In those ways, we were typical. However, had we decided to take a break, Lis would have gone back to Sweden, and it would be over permanently, no possibility of reconciliation. So, we had the mirror talk to keep alive the great things about being together.
The idea of the mirror is each side isn’t talking about truth or declaring “This is how you are”, rather, it’s about perception, “This is how I see you”. So, an implied rule emerges – ‘Since my comment is about how I perceive you, I can’t be attacked as being wrong. It’s how I see things. We can discuss it, of course, but this is how you come across to me.’
Lis: “There are many things I love about you, but there are also things I’d rather not have in my life. I want to be with a man who lifts me and loves me. There are things in our relationship that don’t lift me or love me.
Dave: “Fair enough. Same with me. I want for my life a relationship that is adventurous and loving. What are those things you’d like me to see?”
Lis: “There are times when you say things so bluntly, so matter-of-factly, that you cause offense. It makes you look calloused when I know you’re not. It makes you look tactless and shuts people down.”
Dave: “Okaay. I don’t think I do that. I just tell it how I see it and trust they’re strong people. It’s respectful.”
Lis: “It’s not though. It’s challenging and demeaning and comes across as arrogant. Most people don’t prefer confrontation and you’re inviting it. I think it makes you look like someone you’re not and sometimes that makes me feel embarrassed.”
Dave: Long silence. “Ok. I’ll have to digest that a bit.”
Lis: “Ok, what do you have?”
Dave: “I want a life of adventure. I want to go to new places and do active things. You seem reluctant to that kind of life.”
Lis: “Ok. Now that you say that it makes me think of my mom AND my grandma telling me to get out of my wet swimsuit, so I didn’t get an infection. They were always telling me to be careful in some way or other; it was fear based for sure. Maybe that gave me a similar fear orientation. I’ll have to think about that.”
These points are actual issues we’ve worked on in our lives. In our pre-marital state of relationship there were many good reasons to stay together, but also enough challenges we could have moved on with some sense of justification that we weren’t a good fit.
The mirror talk has been with us in concept for 45 years. In the early years as we were developing our communication style, the mirror idea allowed us to circumvent the always present defensive ego. In effect, “If this is what I am seeing, from me who loves you, what do other people see, regardless of your intentions? There must be some validity to what I say.”
We believe this is what God intends for marriage – a loving partner who is close enough to see inside the many layers, and yet arm’s length enough to see the work still in progress. A mirror.
Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
Being a mirror for one another is an idea that is beneficial as a tool for alignment, reconciliation, or even vision-casting. You come to this technique with an agreement that says, “I will protect your vulnerability with love and respect. Though we may disagree in this process, I will take your comments to heart with openness and in the spirit you intend.”
May you be blessed with a clear mirror to see God smiling back at you,
Lis and Dave
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One of the most effective tools we’ve discovered for enhancing marriage relationships is the SYMBIS online marriage assessment. This assessment can facilitate many productive “Mirror Talks.” We have seen transformational changes in hundreds of marriages, and we would love for you and your spouse to join our upcoming SYMBIS+ online class!
While we typically offer this program in a personalized one-on-one format, we are excited to introduce it as a three-night online seminar for the first time!
SYMBIS Online Marriage Checkup: 3 Nights to Reconnect and Strengthen Your Relationship
https://events.humanitix.com/symbis-2025