One of the positives of childhood was the kids having their friends sleepover, where they didn’t want playtime to end so pleading would ensue to let “Timmy spend the night”.

Parents are charged with the responsibility for a child’s safety and long-term well-being. Period. This discussion offers our views for you to consider and hopefully brings out a balanced view. This issue is but an early example of the unending stream of dilemmas you’ll face between the rock of permissive and the hard place of prohibitive parenting. We struggled with the right balance all the time.

Should you do everything in your power to protect your child from harm? Yes? Ok, then for sure no sleepovers. Also, no playing outside. No sports whatsoever. When it’s time, no driving.  Hmm, maybe these are too strict. Absolutes are rarely the right course. But the pendulum can’t swing to the other extreme either saying yes to every request. No, of course, it’s a balance.

In our marriage, we faced this all the time. It became clear that Lis had her natural tendency to nurture and protect and Dave had his predisposition to go forward and explore. We viewed risk differently. We eventually came to understand the dilemma on granting permission: “Is your initial reaction to your child’s request one of ‘yes’ or ‘no’?” That was a marital issue about the risks of life that we needed to come to grips with. The different views on the situation, though, was beneficial for the kids and good for the marriage where we had to slow down and make sure that mom and dad were on the same page. The kids would come to dad as the easy mark and now get a “What does your mom say?” because she would always know more about the situation. Ultimately, we agreed that the answer would be “Yes, unless there’s reason not to” versus “No, unless you can convince me”.

Lis wasn’t a killjoy by any means. But she would know the girls our daughter hung out with. She would know their moms. She might know if there was an older sibling. She had an uncanny way of sensing risk. And, more practically, she kept everyone’s schedule in her head. She knew that tomorrow’s soccer game was early and across town. She knew that our child had to catch up on chores and reading before freedoms were regained. She was able to balance all that stuff into her “Yes”. Dave honored her caution though he was willing to overcome the obstacles more readily than she.

Today’s world is different than when our kids were little. Cell phones, texting, porn, now we have Covid too, and just plain weirdness exists in today’s culture. What is a family to do to let kids be kids and protect them against the risks out there? Should you pull back entirely? By doing so, are you creating a different challenge of raising bubble children that become afraid of life? Not an easy dilemma to resolve.

Here’s our thought process on the sleepover issue:

  • Family Culture is cohesive. Mom and Dad work together to figure out the right bias – the answer is ‘Yes’ unless there’s a good reason for a ‘No’.
  • Good reasons for a ‘No’: Don’t know the family. Not sure their values align on electronics, parents monitoring behavior, age of siblings, etc.
  • Schedule – can it be fit in?
  • Children must “have freedom” to enjoy that privilege. Are they caught up with chores, homework, etc.
  • Is the child mature enough to be separated from mom and dad the whole night? Do they have night issues? Sleepwalking, bed wetting, crying out?

There are risks out there, for sure. Bad things can happen, no doubt. But we believe the vast majority of that risk is overblown due to the alarmist nature of social media and culture. We believe there is greater risk that is much harder to measure in over-protecting your children. Saying “no” is safe and can easily be justified. Saying “no” as a family condition has consequences too.

As your children venture forth in life, you want them to have a “Yes I can” attitude that is balanced with a “Should I?” bit of caution. These little parental dilemmas you face today establish the foundation from which your children will launch.

To peace of mind in finding the right balance,

Lis and Dave Marr