Every other week the Howards, Shelly and Rich, and the Marrs, Lis and Dave, trade off writing a OneFamily Letter with the intent to nudge, influence, educate, support and, in small part, come alongside women and men who are hard at work in the job of life. On the whole, life can be…well, complicated. They don’t teach parenting, marriage, or being an adult in school. It is true that a small misconception of how “things are supposed to be” can turn the prospect of an orderly marriage-garden into a weed-strewn jungle. We at OneFamily desire to impart practical tips on managing your daily parenting issues, but also larger topics that might help you align in marital vision for the family. Because both are necessary to tend which plants will grow into a bountiful family harvest and which are unwanted weeds.
Today’s Letter is a larger topic intended to address the spirit of growth that should infuse every member of a family. It doesn’t matter the age of who we’re talking about, mom, dad, or any of the kids. It’s a certainty that if growth isn’t pursued with a reasonable degree of intent, then a few years down the road there could be challenges. Intuitively you know that encouraging your kids to take on growth-oriented challenges is a big part of parenting. But more than any encouragement you provide, your children will follow who you model yourselves to be as much as anything. So the best parenting path to take is one of growth in yourselves.
The foundation of a family is, of course, two people coming together in compromising spirit to join efforts in making a life. And in doing so, you slowly gain intimacy and hold up a mirror to one another until, pixel by pixel, you see yourself clearly. “Hey darling, this is what I’m seeing” is a risky, loving view of how you are being seen by your spouse and likely the world. This gets to the very heart of growth – offering and receiving feedback on how to make the marriage and family life better. Think about how you want your child’s future life to be – a fantastic marriage with great adventures, effective communication and a wholesome tight-knit, laughter-filled home. Now, how can you model that?
Growth isn’t just about adding a missing piece of information to an incomplete library of understanding. Often, it’s about replacing a misconception with a higher order of understanding. So for example when we were in our 30’s, we didn’t have much of a clue as to what a good marriage looked like. We just followed the script of our parents and society without much actual thought. When Dave wanted physical love and Lis wanted togetherness love, there was often a miscommunication that looked like a power struggle. It wasn’t until we learned about “Love Languages” that we were able to pull the weed of discontent from miscommunicating on how each of us experienced love. Love Language concepts upgraded our understanding – no longer struggling with trying to control our mate, but instead trying to understand and reconcile each other’s motivations. Communicating ‘With’ replaced arguing ‘At’ and as a result, we grew.
Growth is a spiritual endeavor. Somehow you and God combined to meet, marry, and mate the person lying next to you. Growing forward together takes vision, faith, self-control, persistence, and a willingness to let go of that part of you that doesn’t serve your best interests. God has blessed you with a person who will help you grow through conflict, communication, and connection (holding up a mirror), and vice versa. And the spirit of wellbeing that emerges when your faith is rewarded by your mate’s reciprocation is the feeling you want your children to have. In fact, it is the fountain of goodwill in marriage that waters your garden. A bountiful goodwill harvest creates abundance for you, your spouse, your children, and even your community of friends.
To your abundant harvest,
Lis and Dave