To Obey is to Align

To obey, to be obedient, gives an impression of subservience to authoritarianism. You can just see in your mind’s eye an image of an imperfect authority dictating commands and requiring mindless adherence. This totally offends the popular mindset of today. And of course, said that way, sure, mindless obedience seems like an intolerant, narrow-minded, prejudiced preacher, like in the movie Footloose. In fact, OneFamily was rejected by an online parenting app because we professed value in the Biblical teaching that children should obey their parents. They said, “Obedience – that’s just not what parents are looking for”. But let’s unpack the idea of obedience from this superficial characterization and explain why we think it is your children’s best interest.

Obedience to parental authority is the necessary training ground to bring alignment to principles that are too sophisticated for a child’s current level of understanding.

Within the requirement to obey a command, there are 5 elements to consider: 1) the authority making the command, 2) the command itself, 3) the principled purpose of the command, 4) the recipient of the command, and 5) the outcome of compliance or noncompliance with the command.

Parents as Authority: This is a challenging notion for many. Unfortunately, too often people come from families where authority was abused with a loud voice and a swift hand. Many marriages struggle to unite around a common expression of parental authority. Not being maritally aligned in finding the right balance between being too lenient or too strict creates insecurity in a child’s psyche. It is compelling to not hurt your child’s sweet spirit with a requirement that occasionally must be backed up by a firm stance. Ensuring a child’s will is fully subject to a parent’s good judgment can’t be understated because you never know when immediate compliance is an absolute must. Therefore, parents must be comfortable with leading and the child following. At this stage, parents are parents, not friends.

The Command: A command to obey is an expression of a parenting principle made with emphasis. An obvious example is when a child is playing ball in the front yard. “You may not step one foot in the street” carries an emphasis that is not to be taken lightly. Parental style matters. This command is not a suggestion. It should be conveyed with an authority that negative consequences will follow should there be a display of independent will – i.e. disobedience. And rightly so. A parent’s style depends on the context of the situation so as not to be legalistic. The same emphasis to not eat a cookie before dinner shouldn’t carry the same weight as stepping in the street. The idea that a child should get an explanation seems reasonable, depending on the situation. However, compliance with the command should come first, explanation after. And of course, a child learns to manipulate as easy as breathing, so obedience before explanation, always.

The Purpose: Critically important to the long-term legitimacy of a parent’s authority is that there are principles underlying the need for obedience. Getting a child to obey without question, complaint, or delay is satisfying, certainly. Mindless compliance isn’t the long-term objective; alignment with family principles is the objective. Rich and Shelly Howard’s family standard from Parenting from the Tree of Life – “Right away, all the way, with a happy heart” — trained their boys obedience while alignment to the principles were gained over years and years of discussion. Though this is a teeny, little paragraph, it takes a good part of a lifetime to get your child’s mind and heart around it.

The Child: Every child and every situation are different. But the principles are the same. Your understanding of living and parenting takes a very long time to connect principles to behaviors. Here’s a principle that you’ll revisit a dozen times in parenting – your word is a promise that builds trust. “Chris, I want you to clean up your game before dinner.” “Yes mom”. It takes training and discipline to remember to stop in time to clean up. A “yes mom” is a promise to remember and act. “Chris, you need to be home by 4:00. Text me before you leave your friend’s house.” “Yes dad.” The child now needs to remember a longer period of time and assess how long it’s going to take to get home safely. Parental training and the mental toughness required to fulfill the promise of obedience sets the stage for life success. “Chris, I want you to pick your brother up at practice and come right home.” “Yes, mom”. The responsibility grows with alignment. “Chris, be home by midnight.” “Ok dad”. And grows.

Thank goodness you start with little ones who don’t know you’re working on life’s nuances. Every child’s unique intellect, temperament, and circumstance will require you to individualize your parenting style to bring your child to up to the family standard – right away, all the way, and with a happy heart.

The Outcome: Training implies practice. It takes time and loving guidance to accomplish the standard. But getting a child to fulfill your short-term objectives of obedience is the “easy part”, relatively speaking. Establishing your authority and getting compliance to all your commands (brush teeth, clean room, no roughhousing, be kind to siblings, etc, etc, ad infinitum) is accomplished in only a few years. Aligning behavior with the family and Godly principles behind the instructions takes decades and requires you to lead by example. Your discipline is their discipleship.

Obey is not a four-letter word that should be shunned. Today’s friend-oriented parenting is a knee jerk opposition to the concept of obedience that misses the deeper understanding necessary to bring long term wellbeing to your child. Requiring obedience aligns a child’s behavior with family values while the intellect has time to catch up.

With a happy heart we pray blessings to you,

Lis and Dave

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