As a parent, if the long-term goal is to raise a child whose inner life is one of abundant positivity, a joy that expresses itself in family relationships, friend relationships, a relationship with God, and a desire and ability to serve others in work and community, your parenting efforts must assist in developing a psyche strong enough to engage in a full life.
Recently Dave was interacting with a young man in his mid-20’s over text. Dave made a light joke of banter in which the young man was the object. As a result, the relationship chilled substantially. Regardless of the positive characterization in their previous dialogue, this one quip crossed the line despite the actual meaning intended in fun. This example seemingly is representative of the increased sensitivity in society to cancel any source that causes offense. The recent phrase “words are violence” speaks more to the sensitivity of the recipient than the context or the words themselves. How can you parent so that your child is strong enough to withstand the thousands of verbal slights they will encounter in life?
The starting point, as always, is family culture, the foundation of psychological strength. Having Words of Life as the basis of family interaction enhances relationships that are safe. Certainly, there will be arguments and banter that “cross the line”, but a family that is characterized by speaking positive, loving, growth-oriented messaging creates a grace-filled environment. Sibling conflict is a learning ground on how easy it is to misunderstand one another and how important it is to reconcile afterwards. Revisiting the conflict and dissecting the hurt, allows the participants to gain understanding on the dynamics of being human – play, power, words, personal sensitivity, reconciliation, and on – and how to let the words roll off quickly.
Another great place to experience age-appropriate conflict is playing with friends. It is so important for children to engage in play and suffer the slings and arrows that occur among playmates. It is particularly important that sensitive children, whose temperament is to hold back, be encouraged to interact with children their own age. It’s important to not indulge the child’s developing self-concept by saying “He’s shy” or “It takes her a while to warm to other children” and then let them sit it out in your lap. A child’s brain develops with play and allowing the child to decide in toddlerhood how their life should go isn’t wise. Instead, persistently encouraging play with others, preparing them in advance, getting them excited, while not demanding participation is vital to them developing their social psyche of resilience. If it doesn’t happen today, then tomorrow. Eventually, the child will succumb to your encouragement.
As they age, the potential situations where social hurts occur will grow. Without that family culture and childhood play as a psychological base, the hurts can define a child’s life. The hurts will come, don’t be mistaken on this, but how the hurts are processed is key. The idea that you should protect your child from those hurts is to build their psyche as a house of cards, toppling at the slightest breeze. It’s better to equip them for tougher times. Our daughter Shelli was in middle school when her best friend group blew up amidst a teenage spat. After a time when it was clear the girls couldn’t navigate the hurt themselves, the moms got involved for a sit down. With the moms guiding, they each were able to express their hurt, come to understand the conflict, and begin the process of emotional reunion. It wasn’t an immediate thing, but eventually they reconciled fully and are still great friends 2 decades later. They didn’t let the hurt define them, were allowed to emotionally process before being asked to hug it out, and importantly, were positive participants, not victims, to actively engage in resolution.
The skills of resilience begin developing at home during the toddler years and continue throughout life. Resilience allows one to face criticism, conflict, and all manner of relational difficulties without succumbing to excessive emotional burden. These things aren’t fun, but being equipped to get through them and not just avoid them is critical to a happy life. The nursery rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is out of fashion. The sensitivity dial of the young man described above is set on 9. One wonders if being so sensitive to those on the outer circle will help him going forward or create a shallow life of loneliness. Maybe our characterization here is too black and white, but the question does come to mind.
Bottom line here – Life is difficult. Preparing your children to face difficulties and work their way through them is to parent in a way that doesn’t rob them of those difficulties but explains things along the way. This will facilitate a deeper inner life for your child where you are a welcomed guest.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. – James 1:2-8
Many Blessings,
Lis and Dave
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Parenting Toddlerhood Transitions
Sign up today! Online Class Starts April 19th!
5 online sessions – Wednesdays, 8-9pm MT (7pm PT, 9pm CT), Starting 4/19
Parenting Toddlerhood Transitions (18 months to about 4/5 years of age) provides practical and relevant concepts that parents can apply right away – structure/routine, toddler conflict, giving proper instruction, encouragement and correction. Understanding the Toddlerhood Transition and having an intentional parenting strategy can put you on the right path in your parenting journey!
More information & registration at: https://Toddler-spring23.eventbrite.com
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