As parents, it is a challenge and a blessing to provide the language that our children will use as the building blocks which forms their thinking structure. If we use constructive words, words of life, and positive reinforcement words when we encourage, then those are the concepts that will form their reality and the development of their character.
Here are 2 concepts that have helped us with our children to develop their internal thought processes that affected their motivations, work ethic, and the complex challenges of the teen years.
Good, Better, Best
This concept works with little kids as young as 3 but continues throughout their young life. It has to do with effort. For homework as an example, kids will put down on paper the first thing that comes to mind, call it good enough and move on to something else. And it probably will be good…enough. But it’s clearly not their best work. Fulfilling chores, like cleaning their room, falls into the same level of effort. We started this idea when the kids were in elementary school, so we’ve been able to watch the concept in action and seen it evolve over the years.
In each instance, whether homework, chores, playing an instrument or sports, or even communicating with siblings, we’d ask them if that was their best effort. We’d review different aspects of how they might improve on it, then send them back to the task. After a frustrating while, they’d return, and we would discuss it some more. In other words, there were at least 2 drafts (the first good one and a second better one) before the final work (their best effort). As parents we were challenged on finding the right balance between too tough and too easy. The key is the spirit of the effort. The long-term consequence was that our children came to understand that our family put forth our best effort in all areas of life. Through these experiences they would come to understand the “feeling” of a job well done and own that accomplishment. Their hard work was rewarded either by a good grade on schoolwork or the positive feedback from mom and dad. Please remember that the feedback was always on effort, not outcome.
Quit – Endeavor – Persevere – Transcend Spectrum
When the initial perception is that too much effort will be required, the task seems mountainous, very often children quit. The key to developing a character that can take life’s challenges is to get your child to hang in there just a little bit. When they face a daunting challenge, you encourage them to not retreat, to not quit.Sports, homework, cleaning their room can seem too big for them sometimes, so they emotionally fall down and stop trying, hoping for rescue. Of course, it’s important to encourage them to not give up. Every step they hang in there is a step away from quitting and a step toward building character as they learn to endeavor.
When our kids were young, we encouraged them to take piano lessons. Learning to read music and play an instrument is a new language and is difficult. We knew they weren’t going to be Mozart, but we wanted them to have that education. It was often a struggle to get them to keep at it since it was hard for them to see how their hard work would be a benefit – this is where mom and dad’s perspective and positive encouragements are important. So, like above, we asked them to not quit, but endeavor, to stay emotionally strong and keep after it. The real lesson was about hanging in there rather than about learning the piano. We praised them for their effort, for not quitting, for their strong effort to endeavor.
When it comes to things the kids actually have aptitude for, we asked them to persevere. When you endeavor against difficulty, you try not to retreat. But that’s not good enough in the long run. You can’t fully succeed by just not quitting, though it’s a pretty good start. We wanted them to push through the difficulty, to persevere. To persevere you must progress through the difficulty. Sports provides a good example. It takes time and practice to get good at anything. It should be fun, but fun is subjective. Soccer takes running and learning to dribble and pass. Basketball…yup, running and dribbling. Lacrosse…you get the idea. You want it to be fun, but sometimes fun is on the other side of developing at least minimal skills. It gets more fun the better they get at the skills. So, you ask them to persevere. They aren’t quitters, of course. They don’t just endure the pain. No, to go from good to better to best, they must persevere until they have learned the skill well enough to play (without destroying the fun in it). This mental ladder helps kids understand more clearly that they are working toward a higher level. It develops their character. And, once they’re playing and having fun, they’ve transcended the difficulty (at least for this age and event). By introducing this language in your family, you’ll build character that will pay amazing dividends.
One of the most challenging aspects of parenting is molding your children’s thinking, motivations, and character. By introducing these simple language concepts into your family’s conversation and encouraging their efforts along the way – (age appropriately) you’ll be able to reference them time and time again. The idea is to help them develop an internal language of effort and excellence.
To your family’s well-being.
Lis and Dave Marr
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