“Mooommyy!
Mooom!
Mommy, can my friend spend the night?” our little 5 year-old asked as he ran up the stairs with his friend in tow.
“I’m sorry sweetie, but not tonight.”
“But whyyyyy?!”
“No. Not tonight.”
No reason? Just a rejection? Doesn’t that seem a bit harsh? Wouldn’t it be better to explain why his friend couldn’t spend the night or at least throw out another possibility? No, this was a scene that had played out before and this was the script we said we would follow. Parenting, particularly when there’s an outside audience, should develop family character and respect.
When asking if a friend could spend the night or stay for dinner or come over and play, if they do so while the friend is standing right there, there’s added pressure to say yes or seem overly restrictive when the answer is no. So we came up with a simple remedy – “If you ask with your friend present, the answer is an automatic no”. The lesson here is to teach the child about being respectful. Just as you take them aside to discuss matters, they should take you aside as well.
Being respectful goes both ways. If your child has a friend over and suddenly you discover the D- on his homework for not turning it in on time, despite your frustration, you hold off until the friend has gone home before you discuss the issue at an appropriate time and in an appropriate fashion. Because when you’re upset, it’s even more important to uphold family norms by demonstrating family character in self-control and treating one another with respect. Never embarrass your child, but use Words of Life in all situations. By modeling respect, you’ll be able to require respect in return.
In both of these situations, there is demonstrated self-control (or lack) and respect (or lack). The child lacks self control by asking immediately upon impulse and the parent shows self control by waiting to discuss the grade. The child is disrespectful by putting mom in an awkward position and the mom is respectful by not embarrassing the child. These are normal displays of character – developed and undeveloped. But there’s more here as well.
In the first scenario, the child was disrespectful in another way as well. He yelled from the basement to get mom’s attention and presumably have her come to him. That isn’t particularly honoring. In effect he was saying, “Mom, whatever you’re doing does not compare to my urgent desire to have you drop that, come to me, and answer my question.” So, since the hierarchy of our family didn’t work that way, mom did not respond to his bellowing, but waited until he came to her to ask his question. She of course could tell the difference between pain and normal yelling, so waiting was ok. Parents should not come or yell back to a child’s (non-pain) calling. The child should come to the parent in order to speak.
Lastly, since two of the long term goals is to have your child develop self-control and respect, teaching him these lessons requires modeling, like above, but also review in “Times of Non-Conflict” (TONIC). Of course you’ve just demonstrated self control and respect, but your child isn’t going to understand what a fantastic parenting job you just did. He’s going to be a bit disappointed at not getting his way, so later, maybe after dinner, you can review the lessons of the day. Explain why his friend couldn’t spend the night, explain that he needed to come find you with his body first and not just his voice, and point out to him that you respected him by not talking about the D- in front of his friend.
As your child grows, common courtesies like these become easy to see and discuss. Your child wants to know how to demonstrate his love and respect for you, so make sure you equip him/her with the tools needed to do so. These simple lessons help your child develop character and learn the courtesy of respect in daily activities.
To family self-control and mutual respect,
Lis and Dave Marr
Visit OneFamily in the Marketplace at MomCon – Nashville 9/9-11/2021.
