Children benefit from structure more than they appreciate structure.

As the Howards wrote and podcasted a few weeks ago – “Back to School and a Family Reset” – summer days of relaxed rules must eventually give way to the structure of a new school year. We have a few more ideas to share on the subject. To start, getting up on time and going to bed earlier can be a parental challenge to enforce. Curtailing playtime in lieu of schoolwork—ugh. Structured, sometimes hurried schedules can lead to short fuses as stress creeps into attitudes. And after the excitement of a new school year wears off, routine can begin to feel burdensome. Yet here we are.

At the Marr house in days gone by, the transition from summer to school always followed a familiar pattern. Before the school year began, we had a traditional family meal—fondue. It was a favorite, and everyone looked forward to it. Around the table we talked about what each child expected from the coming year while attempting to influence their perspective toward renewed effort. We were also lightly preparing them for the inevitable emotional crash when the excitement wore off and the pile of homework finally hit home.

In our own way, we were marking a transition. Summer was ending. A new season was beginning. New teachers, new knowledge, new challenges, new friendships—and another opportunity to grow.

That was the theory. Then came reality.

Rules included personal habits—hygiene, clean rooms, beds made—along with bedtime, homework time and quality, household chores, and getting out the door on time. The goal wasn’t rules for the sake of rules. The goal was rhythm. Establish reasonable expectations, repeat them until they become habits, and allow those habits over time to help form character.

Easier said than done. Our son Daniel was a sleepyhead in the morning. He lagged through his routine until Lis’ temperature finally blew a gasket. Every day he would lollygag, and only through Lis’ constant reminding, prodding, and pushing would he make it to school on time. Until she’d had enough.

“Okay, buddy. You have the ability to be on time. You don’t need me to nag you. So from now on, if you’re not ready to go to school when the car leaves, you’ll stay home—in your room all day—and call your teacher yourself and tell her why you missed class.”

Sure enough, the next morning it played out exactly that way. It only took once.

There was a lesson for Daniel in that experience, but there was one for us as parents too. Lis had been taking responsibility for something Daniel was capable of doing himself. At some point, good parenting requires transferring responsibility from parent to child. We establish the structure, teach what is expected, provide plenty of reminders along the way—and then give our children room to experience the consequences of their choices.

Our youngest son once complained, “It’s too hard being a Marr!” as he bent under the terrible weight of all those expectations. Yet he survived. In fact, he thrived, as did all three.

Children will naturally resist some of the structure we place around them. That’s part of growing up. But when we continually lower reasonable expectations because our children resist them, we may also be taking away the very experiences that develop their perseverance. As long as the standards are reasonable and age appropriate, children can grow to meet them rather than having the standards continually lowered to meet their preferences.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace…”
—Hebrews 12:11

Eventually something wonderful begins to happen. The bed gets made without being mentioned. Homework gets done because that’s simply what happens after school. The morning routine no longer requires Mom or Dad to orchestrate every movement. The child who once had to be told what to do begins doing it because it has become part of how they live.

Rules become habits. Habits become rhythm. And somewhere along the way, external discipline begins becoming internal discipline.

That’s the larger opportunity in these first weeks of school. Don’t think only about schedules. Think about the kind of person those schedules are helping your child become. Choose a few reasonable standards for your family, patiently enforce them, and give them enough time and repetition to become normal.

The goal isn’t to spend the next eighteen years enforcing rules. The goal is to help your children develop a rhythm of life that someday won’t require you at all.

To a great school year for the whole family,

Lis and Dave

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